Vol. VI · The Sports Section Instituted MMXXI Season the Sixth · Twelve seats

The League Office of the Commissioner · Kept in full and in public

Notice is hereby given

The Office has taken this address, and a record will be kept at it.

The record of this League, kept in full and in public: five seasons settled, a sixth under way, and every figure on these pages checkable against the source.

By Baron Waiverhelm, Commissioner

For five seasons the whole of this League — every result, every trade, every humiliation worth the name — has lived in a spreadsheet, a group chat, and the memory of twelve men, which is to say it has not lived anywhere at all.

That is being corrected. The Office is assembling the record in full and will publish it here, at this address, at a time of the Office’s choosing. The Office is not taking questions on the timeline.

What follows is not the record. It is the table of contents, and most of it is sealed. You may read the titles. You may not yet read the pages. I am given to understand that this is frustrating. I am given to understand a great many things.

§ I

The Register

Ten volumes. Eight are open to you, one opens with the season. The rest are sealed, and the seals are not decorative.

The Record Book
Five seasons, twelve seats, seventeen men. Every result that can be checked, and it has been.
Unsealed
The Roll of Champions
Who won. Who was standing in front of them at the time.
Unsealed — § III
The Research Desk
Studies the Office has run on this League, using instruments the League does not know it is standing in front of.
Unsealed
The Reaping Board
One pick a week. No team twice. Two lives, and no appeal on the second.
Unsealed
The Graveyard
The Office writes an obituary for every man it eliminates. The Office enjoys this part.
Unsealed
The Book
Six prices every Wednesday, nothing set by hand. The house takes all action, settles on Tuesday, and keeps every receipt.
Opens Week One
The Depth Charts
Twelve rosters as they stand this week, every seat ranked against the eleven others. Byes mapped, keeper prices quoted. Nothing here is a score.
Unsealed
The Rich List
Twelve seats, valued weekly in the expected prize money each will collect, plus a brand line the Office has measured to predict nothing. Decomposed, so the argument is the good kind.
Unsealed
The Called Shots
The Office makes one prediction each week and is held to it in public, against its own preference.
Sealed
The Constitution
The instrument that binds all of the above — including, and I want to be precise here, me.
Unsealed
§ II

The Research Desk

Five seasons of this League have been measured, and the measurements disagree with what most of you believe about yourselves. The findings below are not opinions. Every figure in them is checkable against the record, which is the entire point of keeping one.

  1. Finding I

    The top seed has lost the championship game three times in five seasons

    2021, 2023 and 2025 — and only one man has ever converted the first seed into a title.

  2. Finding II

    Scoring the most points all year is closer to a curse than an advantage

    The regular-season points leader has lost the final in four of five seasons. One man has led the League in scoring and won it, once.

  3. Finding III

    Two six-seeds have won this League at 7–7

    Twice as many titles as the first seed has managed over the same five years. The Office notes this without comment, at length.

  4. Finding IV

    The highest-scoring season in League history lost to a 7–7 team

    1867.94 points, 2023, an eleven-win first seed. It is the single most instructive number in the record and it is not close.

In preparation
  • Points abandoned on the bench, by owner, since 2021
  • Where each draft slot actually finishes
  • Positional scarcity under our own scoring, not somebody else’s
  • Snap counts against the men you drafted and then buried
  • Schedules, re-run — who was carried and who was buried
  • The defense board, and whether the Office can beat a coin

Each of these becomes a filed finding the week it survives checking. Nothing goes on this desk that the record cannot support, which is why the desk is slower than the opinions in your group chat.

§ III

The Roll of Champions

Nine of the twelve founding seats are still held by the men who founded them. Eight of those nine appear somewhere in the table below. The ninth is aware of this, and the Office reprints the table annually regardless.

Season Champion Team Seed Record Denied
2025AJRafi and The Dirty Randys210-4Evan
2024RonnieBishop Sycamore111-3Larry
2023JordanTrippy Boyz67-7Ryan
2022TimHouse of Pain49-5Justin
2021JustinThe Master Baiters67-7Scott
§ IV
Posted by the League Office at the address above.
This page is not listed and was not meant to be found.
Nothing on it is an invitation to correspond.
 
Given under seal, in the year MMXXVI, Season the VI.